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We live in a world where marriage is in crisis, with fifty percent or more of marriages ending in divorce in many Western countries. As a certified Imago relationship therapist, I specialize in helping couples improve their relationships and am passionate about sharing ideas that can enhance them.

I would like to share a five steps approach that I use to help people build stronger marriages.

1 Awareness

The first is to gain insight into the dynamics of the relationship, which includes its strengths and areas of challenge.

One of the most common problems is “falling out of love.” Many relationships begin on a high, but when this begins to fade, the true person is revealed — warts and all. Negative traits may then begin to cause antagonism, and it is common for power struggles to develop in which each person strives to have their needs met. Shaming and blaming often follows, where each person lashes out at the other causing harmful arguments to occur.

What often develops is a ‘Hailstorm and Turtle relationship’. The ‘hailstorm’ person criticizes the other – throwing hail stones at them. The other acts like a turtle, pulling away and going into their shell. The hailstorm person then thinks – I am not getting my point across, so they throw more and larger hails stones – which make the turtle withdraw even more. This creating a very strained relationship.

One useful tool which I use to help both married and engaged couples understand their relationship is PREPARE/ENRICH, used by more than three million people worldwide. This is a customized questionnaire which is completed online, and gives an overview of the strengths and areas of growth of the relationship. It addresses areas such as communication, conflict resolution, finance and personality.

2 Thought

When we focus on a person’s virtues we feel positive towards them. When we focus on their faults, negativity occurs. So it’s important to keep focused on the good in the relationship and overcome negative thinking.

When we feel negatively toward someone, we tend to justify the feelings with compelling reasons. “They are so selfish/inconsiderate/rude!” Cognitive therapy points out that our reasoning often results from distorted thinking; we may jump to the wrong conclusions, see things in all-or-nothing terms, or fail to view the whole picture correctly.

Imago relationship therapy teaches that often the same difficult behaviour patterns we experienced with our parents reoccur with our spouse or are projected onto them. Understanding how pain from past relationships can be projected onto current ones, helps to reduce the upset. We realize that the pain that we are experiencing is not wholly due to the current relationship, but results from experiences in our past. This understanding helps a person to become less reactive and more compassionate.

3 Communication

Building healthy communication plays a vital role in developing good relationships. One important technique is known as “mirroring”, in which each person paraphrases the other’s opinion before expressing their own. Opinions are also expressed by using “I” statements reflecting how one feels, rather than with accusatory statements that begin with “you.” When we feel understood, it has a calming effect and creates an empathetic environment in which people can work together to resolve differences. We can also make requests for a change in the other person’s behavior to help resolve conflicts.

4 Action

Couple therapists often suggest increasing acts of care, and giving, either in small steps, such as giving a little gift or having a weekly “date” night, or larger ones such as taking short trips away to spend quality time together and reconnect.

Giving is most effective when it comes from a place of care and is a response to another person’s true needs. Dr Gary Chapman, author of ‘The Five Love Languages’, explains that there are five ways in which we express and experience love: Gift Giving, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service (Devotion), and Words of. Appreciation. Different people have different ‘love languages’. So it’s important to understand the other person’s needs and express the form of love they appreciate most. These acts can create an upward spiral of affection, reigniting love and connection in the relationship.

5 Learning and Counselling

There are many valuable books and resources about marriage. Some that I recommend are ‘Getting the Love you Want’, by Harville Hendrix, and ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’, by John Gottman. I also encourage couples experiencing difficulties to seek marriage counselling before they become overwhelming. By addressing isues early on and using effective approaches a marriages can truly blossom .